Isn't Enough
by simplenothings
Summary: Love isn't enough for both of us, and for that, I'm sorry. A one-shot in James' POV to Lily. James/Lily, AU, OOC.


**A/N: **I know, it's terribly OOC but it's just a quick drabble that came to mind in the middle of the night. Bear with me!

Written in James' point of view to Lily.

**Disclaimer: **I own my blue sweatpants, blue blanket, blue fuzzy socks and blue chair, but I don't own Harry Potter. *sniffle*

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It was raining when you first told me.

You were pouring out your heart, but all I could think of was how the clouds were pouring out on us.

I remember it so clearly, darling.

It was a normal Tuesday. 11:51 AM, right before the rush hour of noon. The past week it's been sunny and clear, but today was different.

It just felt different, and in retrospect, I should've seen it coming.

But of course I didn't, and when I grabbed your wrist to tug you along, you squirmed. It was almost normal of you to do that, because you always claimed you were ticklish. It makes sense now, and I should've realized that you were wincing, not squirming.

Was it my fault, darling? Did I cause you to do this?

I tugged you along anyway, fingers slipping down to grasp your hand instead. God, you were so beautiful. Even soaked with rain and slightly windswept, your eyes were still bright. Your laugh was just as loud as before, your cheeks still a light shade of pink. You were the epitome of happiness, grace, perfection. Maybe it's your hair; the bright shade of red always caused a swooping feeling in my stomach, just as I would when I was knew on the Quidditch field. Or maybe it's the eyes: so green, so _pure _that the only thing you could be was happy.

I hate myself for being so damn wrong.

I had dragged you all the way into a little bookstore in Hogsmeade, one of the charming rustic places you loved. You were shivering, teeth chattering, fingertips numb, but you still were smiling. You still were happy, even though the harsh weather.

And, now that I think about it, everything else that was going on.

I didn't think anything was wrong, darling. I thought everything was fine, since everything was perfect in my little bubble of love. Your parents approved, your friends got close to me, what more could I have asked for? The fact that you were in love with me as much as I was with you was enough.

But you can act, darling. Did you really love me, or was that an act too?

I like to think it wasn't, because your eyes lit up when you saw me. You laughed at my dumb excuses to find a way to hold your hand, smacked my head whenever I tried to ruffle up my hair. People would giggle at us, but hell, we didn't care! It was love, puppy love, the kind that you see in movies and stories.

Of course, in all those stories, they don't tell you that it doesn't last forever.

They don't tell you about what comes after the happily ever after, after the guy gets the girl.

Maybe what happened is just a part of our story. It's not meant to end yet, darling. It's one of those "to be continued" type movies, the one where the people watching are left frustrated and irritated at the directors.

Your sweater had been soaked by the rain, clinging to your body, holding you close. It was weighing you down, turning your already pale complexion to something dull, ashen. So we sprinted home together, squealing and splashing through puddles. You changed into some fresh clothes and an unreadable expression, then called me over to sit next to you on the couch.

Honestly, I think some part of me knew. I think a small, miniscule part of me had realized. But the rest of me had pushed those thoughts away, because it just wasn't possible. There had to be another reason for your constant sweaters, those beads of dried blood that I would find sometimes on the inside sleeves of your favorite sweater.

If I had known, why did it hurt so bad when you gently lifted up your sleeves and showed me the bright red marks? The harsh, ugly cuts that littered your beautiful wrists made me gag slightly, and left me wondering on how you could do this to yourself.

Then you started to cry, and I held you close, but I wasn't really there.

My mind was back outside with the rain, thoughts just as scattered as the rapid raindrops.

The next week was hard, darling. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, and all I could think of was the sight of those angry cuts on your arms. The delicate arms that I had always reached for, not knowing what lay underneath the sleeves. It was hurting me, and I know it was hurting you.

Nothing was the same anymore. You kept on doing what you were doing, and I know it wasn't your fault. I just was hoping that I hadn't been a reason for one of those marks. I hope that I'm not the reason for another scar on you, darling.

Because you definitely are another scar on my heart, and damn, does it hurt.

You couldn't stop. I was just a distraction, another piece of that intricate puzzle of your life. I was just another obstacle in your way of getting better, and I knew I couldn't be.

I tried to talk to Padfoot about everything. Sirius nodded, bit his lip, but he didn't really understand. In Sirius' world it's just one thing bounding to the next, and no time for air. He didn't know how to help me, and yeah, he was sorry. But he couldn't help it, his nature was just too happy to really know how to handle it.

Remus was there, though. He knew, he understood, because he dated someone in the past that was going through the same thing as you, darling. He helped me, and he made me realize that in order for you to get better, I had to be gone.

"If you really love her, let her go." He had said, rubbing my back as I took in the news. Remus was right, he always was, but this was going to be hard.

I started distancing myself. Maybe if I did that, it would be less hard on you when I did what I was planning.

I know you started to notice, darling. It was hurting me, but Remus' words kept me from giving up.

Your best friend talked to me, you know. It was kind of ironic, because it was the night before. She told me "not to do anything stupid." Too bad that's exactly what I was planning to do.

During lunch the next day, I asked you to go on a walk with me. We held hands, but I felt farther from you than I ever had before.

As we walked, I realized something. You weren't the girl I fell in love with, anymore. You changed, darling, and so did I. Maybe we changed each other, maybe I was just another lesson for you to learn. Or maybe we just weren't meant to be at this point in time, maybe there's a future for us.

When I opened my mouth to speak, my carefully planned out speech crumbled to pieces in my mind. Instead, sudden words just popped out, and your hand gripped mine tighter.

That's not what was supposed to happen, darling.

So I tugged my hand away from your grasp, knowing that it was for your benefit. And maybe you would hate me, because I sure as hell hate myself for it.

I'm so sorry, darling. But love isn't enough to keep us together, it isn't enough to heal your pain. Love isn't enough for both of us, and for that, I'm sorry.

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**A/N: **I know, it was so OOC and AU, sorry :( but if you review, I will love you forever and ever ;)

Love and fuzzy socks,

Miaaa


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